Every day of our lives, we are forced to make decisions, from our political views to what we want to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. These choices range from simple, such as what we want to do for the day, to more severe, such as choosing between jobs or making important financial decisions. When I Googled “making decisions” the first result was about the significance of decision-making and how it leads to success. This prevalent idea has permeated every aspect of my life, including my racial experience. How can something so mundane and idealistic be so difficult?
Like many parents of biracial children, growing up my parents made every effort to help me forge my own path. They had hoped that I wouldn’t grow up in a world that constantly attempts to categorize me based on my identity. Some people might call their mindset naive but I would say they were just being optimistic. Throughout middle and high school, I was taught about my ancestors’ histories, whether it was the oppressive actions of my White side or the gruesome struggles of my Black side that we overcame. It was never as simple as plainly being human, and I never understood that. Making friends became my own personal hell because the more friends I made of a certain race, the more people assumed I was “choosing” between society’s perceptions of Black and White. Even who I sat with at lunch or who my favorite teacher was related to if I was considered ghetto or privileged. People would automatically use stereotypes if it appeared that I was leaning more one way than the other. When individuals questioned, “Why are you acting so ghetto?” I would respond, “You know, I am part black.”
Should I have to protect my identity with a joking remark about who I am?
By the time I was in high school the people around me began to question my racial dedication due to how I spoke or presented myself. “Why are you straightening your hair, Hannah? Are you trying to be White?” “Hannah, you have to choose a side; you can’t be both.” “You aren’t Black/White enough to say that/do that/wear that.” I would never hear the end of it. Naturally, this take on race frightened me. Some days I would be accepted by the White people of my community and the next I was dismissed. I also had similar experiences with Black community members. While others had their “people” I felt as if I was alone. As many multiracial people agree, I couldn’t find a sense of belonging.
Again, I was faced with another decision. Yet this time, it would dictate my being. My thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and self-perception. This being was predetermined for me since before I was even born, yet I never selected a specific representation. I was used to having to choose between things like chips and fruit, but I was unfamiliar with the question of Black or White. Society had created a girl who felt that her success was based on a categorical label that didn’t define me or my background. Why does social normality get to dictate who I should be? People do not choose between different personality traits. I can be both funny and sympathetic, but I can’t be Black and White.
Well here’s the secret folks. It’s true what they say, nothing is as simple as Black or White.
My race is a part of who I am just as much as my personality.
I have recently learned that this decision has nothing to do with society or my friends/family. But it does have everything to do with me. I should not have to choose who I am based on the social constructions of race created centuries before my time. I should not have to mold myself into the “perfect mixed girl” due to society’s standards, someone who’s attractive and not too black. And I definitely shouldn’t be expected to pick between two cultures that both had such an impact on my character and led me to become a student at such a renowned university like the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
You do not need a label to tell you that your feelings of connection are valid because picking a side is difficult. Belonging doesn’t come from supporting the group you think will win an argument or advance your career. It originates from each layer of your identity and the communities you find yourself associating with.
