By: Anonymous Contributor
TRIGGER WARNING: For the sake of self-care, please be aware that this piece contains graphic content specifically related to rape/sexual assault.
It was not what she had on, it was not anything she said, it was not the way she looked at him. It happened to her before, with his teammate in fact; but she never spoke about it, she didn’t think anyone would believe her so she tried to forget it. But this time, this time was different; she thought he was her friend. “What are you doing?”, “Stop”, “Why are you doing this?”, she asked as he pulled her from her chair, turned her around and began to kiss her as if his kisses would relax or excite her. He became unrecognizable to her, she never would have thought he was capable of something like this.
Was she naive to let him in her room, to begin with? As she tried to wiggle out of his arms, his grip tightened around her pants, he pushed her down and as she tried to pull away, his nails dug into her sides. After resisting for a while, she remembered, from previous experience, the best way to avoid the pain was to submit to it. So she laid still, paralyzed with anger, discomfort, and fear, staring blankly at her window, clenching her sheets until he stopped and finally she released. He made a joke as he walked out the door.
Like before, she wanted to forget that this ever happened, so without trying to process, she got dressed and left to go take an exam for a class. Little did she know that while she was testing, he was bragging. Telling his friends about everything she did (read: didn’t do) to him and he did to her as if it was done willingly and enthusiastically. Her phone rang, it was a mutual friend, calling to inquire her about her actions. Shocked, confused, angry, and scared, she didn’t know how to respond. “Do I tell him the truth or not say anything?” she thought, before she could figure it out, the call ended.
She pondered for hours until finally asking for help. “Report him! Go to the hospital” a friend from back home told her and so she did. That night and the next few days would be ones she’d never forget, she didn’t get much sleep and received countless phone calls and emails from several people including her friend who was still looking for an explanation to the story he was told. She decided not to take any legal actions and wanted to leave it all behind but soon rumors spread like wildfire. Many people were talking about what she had done (read: didn’t do). So finally she broke her silence, “he raped me,” she told her friends. But whose story do you think they believed? As time went on, the rumors multiplied and soon one guy turned to two and so on. Suddenly she was labeled a “hoe” and a liar. It became easier for her to stay silent and accept the labels, rather than stand in her truth.
Rape is about power, and these guys had all of it. They were well-known and well-liked athletes. They were able to control the narrative. And she… she was just a girl. She was just little old me. It was my word against his and with his teammates standing behind him and his good reputation around campus, I just looked like the girl who cried rape. But today, I take that power back, for every woman who has fallen victim to sexual abuse. We control the narrative. This is our truth. We have to stand up for ourselves and for each other. As a campus community, we have to do better. We have to hold each other accountable; even if that means accepting hard truths about our friends, brothers and/or teammates. Rape is rape and a name, no matter how popular, should not change the narrative.
Who am I? I could be your sister, your roommate, your girlfriend, your classmate, your friend. I am the girl you mistreated, mislabeled and misjudged. I am the girl you blamed and shamed for her trauma. I am not just the girl, I am every girl. Every girl on this campus who has been silenced, every girl who has been manipulated into believing that it was her fault, every girl who’s been tricked into feeling like she didn’t deserve to be heard, defended, or protected. Every girl whose reputation has had to suffer because of the power dynamic and rape culture that exists on this campus. I am the 1 in 4 women that will be sexually abused on a college campus. I am a survivor. And today, I’m telling MY story.
-Anonymous
