By: Cameron Ulmer (’20), Staff Writer
*DISCLOSURE: Thepresumptions detailed in this piece are for pure fun and do not reflect the true beliefs of anyone affiliated with Black Ink Magazine*
Dear Journal,
I have a lot on my mind today. The nature of this world that we live in is weighing heavily on my heart.
The fact of the matter is that people are disgusting. Heinous acts are all around us, desensitizing most of society. Out of everything I have heard in my lifetime, the fact that someone on God’s green Earth had the audacity to bite Queen Mother Beyoncé on her face is the top unforgivable sin. Yes, Beyoncé is the snack that smiles, sings and slays back, but one simply does not take a bite out of Sasha Fierce without repercussion.
I just want to know who bit her. Who dared to foil HOV’s after party and leave everyone with a bad taste in their mouth (everyone except the culprit of course)? The people, the world and more importantly, the #BeyHive need to know.
I’m not saying we will go after her with pitchforks and torches, but sis better have protection once her identity is unveiled.
Dear Journal,
I finally have a lead.
For a week now I have been hot on the trail of the infamous Beyoncé biter. Several sources confirmed that the Bey biter is an actress that was invited to the party.
My best lead was Hollywood’s in-house blabbermouth, Tiffany Haddish. Haddish, (who can’t hold water even in the ocean) told GQ Magazine in March all about her experience meeting her highness and how it ended in appeasement selfie.
Haddish disclosed to GQ that she was going to beat the biter’s a** if Beyoncé had not told her to chill.
The culprit?
Turns out that said actress is on drugs, which Beyoncé knew about. Maybe that is why she is keeping her lips sealed about the incident?
All I know is that John Legend and Chrissy Teigen know who the perpetrator is as well and is not letting the people in on the secret.
Dear Journal,
I know who did it. It was actress Sanaa Lathan, also known as ‘The Biter ’ or ‘The Bey Eater’. The sweetheart in every critically acclaimed and over-played movie on BET, Sanaa will now and forever be known as the woman who bit Queen Bey. Her movies will be renamed to: ‘The Best Munch’ and ‘The Best Munch Holiday: Beyoncé for Dinner’, ‘The Family That Prays Before They Eat’, ‘Love and Bite’, ‘Brown Sugar: The Story of How Beyoncé Taste’; and ‘Now You Chew Me 2’.
The rumors about why Lathan bit Bey run from it being just a playful love bite to Lathan biting Bey as a way to let her know she ready to go the next step with her and Jay-Z.
Whatever the reason may be, I truly hope Lathan quits the drugs; for her and Tiffany Haddish’s sake. Lord knows if Haddish will be able to keep quiet about another biting related incident at the next Beyoncé party.
